My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
