I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
