my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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