I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
