Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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