Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
