bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
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I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..