YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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