Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha