Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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