i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
