Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
