There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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