You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
