Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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