my vag is so smooth its legendary
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
