A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
