So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
