I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
