I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
