I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
