I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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