I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
