i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
