sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
