I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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