Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
