3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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