and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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