It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
