Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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