U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
