Betty ford says i'm here all night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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