when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
