I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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