paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
