I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
