im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
