she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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