you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
