You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
