Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
