Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
