just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
