I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
