dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
