Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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