before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
