I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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