i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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