I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
