I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
