when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
