I love black thongs
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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